“I wish the real world would just stop hassling me.” Matchbox Twenty
I sit near the front door at work. Therefore no one enters or leaves, even for the restroom, without a stroll past Yours Truly. I promised myself early on that someday I'd blog about all the different ways people have of acknowledging me when they walk by my desk. What most don't realize is that I don't require them to do so every single time. For some reason, they must. But after they've already said "good morning" or "hi" when they first see me for the day...it is the passings later on that get tricky.
Here are the highlights. Most don't involve actually looking at me.
1. An annoying fake grin.
2. Repeating my name a few times in a sing-songy way that is more
annoying than all the fake grins in the world.
3. Raised eyebrows.
4. Pretending to be captivated by something on the ceiling.
5. Blurting out the slogan from an old T.V. commercial.
6. Pointing out what the weather's doing. The weather I apparently
can't see through the large, blindless window directly behind me.
7. Tapping lightly across my desk. With their fingers, not their feet.
At least that would be entertaining.
8. Making that clicking tongue sound. Meanwhile, nobody here is a pygmy.
9. Humming or singing to themselves. Hey, it fills the silence. The one I was using to get some work done.
10. An agonizing attempt at humor. Yes, I've actually heard, "Is it
Friday yet?" and "Working hard or hardly working?". Then he or she
trembles with joy. Good one, you droll devil.
11. Saying something softly enough that they might be talking to
themselves, but loudly enough that they might be talking to me. Is it
rude to respond? Is it rude not to?
12. Asking how I am. Of course, this is nice. But when I ask the
same in return, they often reply with a pleasant "It's Friday" or a flat
"It's Monday." One of these days I'm going to greet them with, "What day
is it?" and see if I get, "My psoriasis itches like the dickens!"
13. Laughing like a mental patient, by which I mean for no apparent
reason. I think this one is my favorite. There's only so many times a girl
can take this before she starts to check for the perpetual booger.
14. Sticking their face partway into whatever I'm eating instead of just
asking what it is.
15. Asking if I'm bored. If you're offering a solution, I'm afraid you're too late. I WAS bored, until the person before you left bits of spittle and an eyelash in this oatmeal. Now I'm figuring out what to have for breakfast.
16. Announcing how badly they have to go to the bathroom. I would so
appreciate more details, but alas, you're in a hurry.
17. Telling me how cold/tired/hungry they are. They all do this. Evidently there's some sort of Alaskan sweat shop back there.
18. Asking if I saw The Biggest Loser last night. I didn't. We will repeat this conversation exactly one week from now.
19. Quipping, "Is it five o'clock yet?" I like to start crying and reply that I can't tell time, and I'm humiliated that they've exposed my private shame.
20. Glancing at my name plate and asking if I have a brother named
Harry. Ha-ha! Stop it, you! Go to the head of the class with the Jerry
Lewis fans from #10.
“Don’t answer me.” The Alan Parsons ProjectNot long ago, Bryan underwent back surgery. A couple of days beforehand, he sent a long email to me and his family with questions he'd compiled to ask the neurosurgeon. He wanted us to add any more we might come up with. Below is what I sent back. At his prompting, I’ve decided to post it. He seems to think I was kidding, and I don't know why. Most of these seem pret-ty important to me…
Can you make me fly like Superman?
Will I learn to enjoy country music so I’m not a whiny crybaby at my girlfriend’s house on Sundays?
While you're in there, can you look for some medical reason why I'm so
dang awesome?
Why do my houseplants usually die?
Do you know what that super-creepy thing was in my bottle of hot sauce
that once?
I think I like girls. Is that normal?
Do I dance in my sleep?
When will I be old enough to understand grown-up stuff?
Will you please remove my cervix?
If I kiss myself in the mirror, is that bad?
Does anyone say you look like Dr. Hook? May I call you Dr. Hook?
Will you hold me in your big, strong arms for a while?
Have you seen the “Talky Tina” episode of The Twilight Zone? Can we
schedule a follow-up appointment to watch it together?
Is it true what they say about white people being superior?
Can I have some Kool-Aid?
Have you ever heard of that “swine flu”? Isn't that some crazy stuff?!
While you are operating, could you and the others refer to me as “this
cute little feller with the body freckles”?
And could you also tell the nurses that in your medical opinion, my body
was sculpted out of marble by the gods?
Why do I cry when I listen to Lou Rawls?
How comes I no talks so good?
Well...I guess that's about it. Let you know if I think of any more.
Good luck!
Jen
“Forever young, I want to be forever young.” Alphaville
30. Not being allowed to do anything
29. Falling down a lot
28. Accusing others of “faking” when they’ve been out sick
27. Abundant tattling
26. Talking louder than a sonic boom
25. Calling their mom when they forgot their lunch
24. Crying
23. Making others cry
22. Playing in the urinals and sinks, then lying about it
21. Being cranky because they stayed up too late watching Darkwing Duck
20. Nose-picking
19. Thumb-sucking
18. Falling asleep anywhere they find themselves at the moment, including, and in some cases especially, the bathroom
17. Bizarre sense of entitlement
16. Offering best friendship in exchange for stupid stuff
15. Believing they are good dancers, and that others would love to see proof
14. Keeping secrets nobody gives a crap about
13. Using derogatory terms, then pretending not to know what they mean
12. Gratuitous use of “you’re not the boss of me”
11. Laughing at jokes they don’t get
10. Telling jokes they don’t get
9. Adorable crushes on people who are way out of their league
8. Dressing up like Spiderman
7. Fearing the roar of the auto-flush toilets
6. Spilling dirty information about their parents
5. Disinviting evil-doers to their “birthday”
4. Refusing to stay in timeout
3. Descending on free candy like sleazy photogs on a sex-addicted golfer
2. Fabricating trips to Disneyland
1. Not knowing how to drive
"Hold on tight. You know she's a little bit dangerous." Roxette
Alright...so, I'm not the best driver. And I admit it, okay? But I am trying to improve, and I've never actually touched another car with mine. Well, there may have been that once. Which happened a few times.
But driving is just so boring, and a mind as easily distracted as mine presents a special challenge. And for this, I came kinda close to rear-ending Richard Belzer on the road this morning.
Now, you know you love to write when you're almost sorry you didn't wreck with someone, because of the story it robs you of.
So here is how I imagine it would have gone:
Smack.
Jen and Richard get out of their cars.
Jen: Oh gosh! Are you the Law and Order guy?
Richard: Well, now I'm just the guy you hit with your car.
Jen: Wow! Richard Belzer! Funny story...the casting director I worked for saw you doing standup once in the eighties, and she said it really stunk!
Silence.
Jen: Yeah, she said it was just time-to-go-home-now embarrassing. Isn't that so funny?
Crickets.
Jen: Aw, crap. Is it too late for "I'm a big fan"?
Louder, angrier crickets.
Jen: "That will buff out"?
“There’s something happening here. What it is ain’t exactly clear.” Buffalo Springfield (For What It’s Worth)Male Coworker #1: Oh, I was gonna tell you…I did what you told me last night.Male Coworker #2: Better results?
Male Coworker #1: Yes.Male Coworker #2: Everything…working better?
Male Coworker #1: Yes.Male Coworker #2: (with a sly smile) Well, there’s a whole lot more we can do.There you go. Now it’s in your head too. Except you don’t know what either of these men looks like. Advantage: You.
“Still crazy after all these years.” Paul Simon20. Oh for the sweet love of all that’s holy – it really has been 20 years since I was in high school.19. Greg Fields will always be funnier than I am.18. I can still stay up till 2:00! But only if I want the next day to feel like a smack in the head with a shovel.17. Old crushes never really die, they just kind of…make fun of you now.16. I was right back then – I DO still like “Cum On Feel the Noize.”15. If you tell Ryan Joy to follow you out to your folks’ house in the country, know what he is driving, or at least his cell number. Otherwise you may end up circling the parking lot for fifteen minutes, barely missing each other, Abbot-and-Costello style, several times.14. Mr. Tegethoff, Kelly Smith and I are the only two still cool enough to spend a late night forking your yard.13. Nobody from back home gives one little crap about Michael Jackson anymore. You can bring up his death if you wanna be startin’ somethin’, but what you’ll get back is only cricket sounds. And one uncomfortable comment from Julie Burris.12. Free Methodists can grow up to be devilish little things.11. If you’re coming home at 1:30 a.m. and the porch light has been on since your parents went to bed at 10, you will freak out three large, loud locusts you didn’t see, when you go to open the door. You’ll have to make a few attempts, each time running back into the yard in your high heels wailing, “I just wanna go to bed, you little bastards!” You’ll wonder if you’ll have to sleep in the camper. 10. Remember that picture of you that took you until well past college to forget about? Yeah…that one friend still has a copy. 9. If an old girlfriend remarks, “You haven’t changed at ALL!”, just take the compliment. Replying, “Well…I’m not jealous of you anymore” is likely to just bring the room down.8. Yearbooks aren’t the best traveling companions. Just bring a few cinder blocks instead. They’re lighter and okay to lose.7. Samantha Fox’s “Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)” can still bring out the bored biology student in Kit Bowman and me. Who needs a karaoke machine when you’ve got two awesome microscopes and an about-to-graduate sense of invincibility?6. Kit would no longer even consider pouring any sugar on Joe Elliott.5. At Lakeside Park, fried chicken and potato chips are a perfectly balanced meal. I need more Lakeside Parks in my current life.4. Couldn’t Electric Slide then, can’t now. My slide is hopelessly…acoustic?3. When you pull out a keepsake note to share, passed between a friend and you in government class senior year, read it silently to yourself first. You were just as dumb then as she was.2. If you’ve done a little film acting, and when asked about it you want to convey that so far they’ve been short, indie films, find better wording than, “They’re not really the kind of movies you’d take the family to see.” Oh…please…just…don’t say that.1. Call me “citified,” but Kansas is country-er than Roy Clark eating corn pone off a confederate flag.
